The Gospel According
to St. Diamond.
The truth, as it is written, by D!ck and CB.
A little-known book in the Extremely-New Testament, the Book of Light,
herein is a brief passage, and we charge ye to know full well the true
events of the past few years.
PROLOGUE:
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Oh dear,
Went to yell at BT cos I ain't had my phone bill and
they said "no sir, it'll be at the end of August this
time, soz", so I asked how much I'd made in calls so
far...
FORTY BLOODY QUID?
PLUS LINE RENTAL??
PLUS VAT???
Minus friends and family, oh big bloody deal.
The SWINES.....KILL THEM ALL !! ! !
Come the glorious day, comrade... :)
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CHAPTER ONE: SPECULATIONS.
| I. |
Indeed, and that day shall be later in the year,
for the lord looked upon the downtrodden and he
said unto them "Verily, the people shall be taken
unto the realm of Caybelle" and the people saw
that it was good.
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| II. |
Yea, for though it shall reach from the humble abode
of the most humble of my servants, even unto the gateway
and beyond, the penalty shalt be no more than any
man can afford.
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| III. |
And so, hearing this, his people took up the chant and
cried "Verily we come to thee, for thine is the truth,
and the light, thou hast shown us the way", and all
was well in the realm for many a season.
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CHAPTER TWO: DISRUPTIONS.
| I. |
But!, warneth the Lord, thy shall have thy pavements
upheaved and thy gentle flowers trampled. But the
price paid shalt be small, for only His minions shall
know the true paradise that is fibre optics, mate.
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| II. |
There shall come Engineers, Technicians shall install
with a minimum of fuss and inconvenience. Roadworks
will be manifest.
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| III. |
A measure of waiting for a pound, and three measures
of blessing for a pound, and still thoust shalt not
see the coil nor the wire.
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CHAPTER THREE: CONNECTIONS.
| I. |
And by the border of No.42, from the east side to the
west side, a portion for Mrs. Jones, whose daughter
shall hear the ringing of the bells and shall speak at
length with the voice of her master.
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| II. |
And in that time, many did receive visions, and they
were glad.
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| III. |
And in that time, many did hear voices, and they too
were glad.
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| IV. |
And in that time, many did surf the internet, although
this gave the Lord a little trouble, be his connection
more costly than he thought.
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| V. |
And still the people came.
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CHAPTER FOUR: REGRETS.
| I. |
And Beelzebub did beg: "Come back to me, and I shall
see that thou art rewarded with temporary reductions".
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| II. |
And the people cried, "Pull the other one, it hath got
bells on." And Beelzebub was silent, for he perceived
that all was lost to him.
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| III. |
And much to his chagrin, the people celebrated, and
one alone stood before the crown and taught them the
truth.
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| IV. |
"And lo!, the fires of Hell shall burn us, and the
Winds of War may lash our pitiful bodies, but I have
the sign of the Beast, oh chosen ones!
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| V. |
That sign is not 666, but "BT", and the foul, loathful
sign hath just ONE meaning, and that is Beelzebub
Telecomunications, and may the Lords thunderbolts strike
impotent ALL the Devils Telephone poles, and bless eternal
sunshine upon the precious Caybelle of the chosen ones.
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EPILOGUE:
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And the amassed throng surrounded the wounded, once great
beast that was `BT', saying unto him, `Be banished unto
the great pit, foul, greedy creature of the night. And
taketh with you the unclean, desperate soul of Wicksy from
Eastenders, and taketh with you your evil, ambiguous 30 %
saving for calls over 5 minutes, and may the plague of a
hundred windfall taxes blight your soul.
And the people rejoiced, for it was over, forever.
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fin.
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